Wherein You Learn Way Too Much About My Boobs

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. A big part of that dream has been nursing my child...being the person solely responsible for providing my child with what she needs. Things don't ever happen like you expect them to, though, do they?

You always hear people say that breast feeding is hard and can be painful, but it's worth it and you just have to commit. I always thought that only applied to other people. I thought it would come as second nature to me. I envisioned my child automatically knowing what to do and us having this amazing bonding experience. Wishful thinking, I guess.

Because of Kaylee's jaundice, she was really sleepy in the beginning and didn't have the strength to nurse properly. I also think, though I may be wrong, that the fact that we didn't get to try to nurse until she was nearly twelve hours old has been a roadblock as well. While we were in the hospital, we tried everything that was suggested, but nothing really worked. She was staying on my breast and she wasn't sucking hard enough to get what she needed. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I finally gave in to giving her formula.

Everyone has said that once she gets over the jaundice, once my milk comes in, it will get easier. It's not. My milk is in and she's much more alert than she's ever been, but feeding still sucks and we're still using formula. For some reason, even though she's trying to nurse and I'm pumping every three hours, my supply sucks. Besides that, it's a total double-edged sword. If Kaylee has a really good time nursing, the pump immediately afterwords will suck. If I get a good pump, I know in my heart that my daughter didn't get what she needed while she was nursing.

Supposedly, I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing everything right, it just takes time, blah blah blah. This doesn't stop me from feeling like something's wrong...like I'm not able to do the most natural thing imaginable. I'm tired, my nipples hurt, and I hate pumping. Almost everything in me wants to give in. Almost.

I'm not quitting. Even though Kaylee may not be getting much, I love watching her try to nurse. I am obsessed with the moments that she looks up at me from my breast. If I know anything about myself, it's that I'm stubborn...always have been. I refuse to give up working for what I want and what I know is best for my daughter. For now, though, we just have to keep plugging away and be happy that Kaylee is growing and healthy, by whatever means necessary.