What's Best

I'm not quite sure how this post is going to go. I feel like I'm in a tough spot where I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I guess I'll just type it out and see what happens...

I had always planned to breastfeed my babies. I knew all the research and could wax poetic about why breastfeeding is best on so many levels. I planned to nurse my child within the first several moments of her life and continue doing so for up to a year. I planned to introduce a bottle for use at childcare and the occasional daddy-feeding. I planned to nurse, pump, and save a ton of money during the first year of my child's life.

These plans were derailed early on when Kaylee needed medical attention immediately after birth. Rather than being placed on my chest and having an early try at nursing, she was swept away to the nursery and was put under oxygen. It was eight hours before I would get to hold her and almost twelve hours before we would have a shot at nursing. We struggled and worked with each other to learn how to breastfeed. I finally got to a place where I thought we were doing well. Kaylee was nursing and acting satisfied, but there was the nagging voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me that she wasn't gaining enough weight.

At three months, I had to stop trying to ignore this nagging voice when our doctor said the same thing. For some reason, Kaylee wasn't able to transfer enough milk through nursing to gain the weight that she should have been. That was the beginning of the end of nursing for us.

I mourned this for several days. I felt like a failure for not being able to nourish my child. I would sit with my pump while Mike gave Kaylee a bottle and cry for the moments that I wasn't spending with her in my arms. Slowly, my supply decreased and Kaylee's diet contained more and more formula and less and less breast milk.

Right now, Kaylee gets straight formula during the day and half formula/half breast milk in the evening. I pump twice a day and get anywhere from 1.5 to 3 ounces at a time. Something important has happened, though. Somewhere in the last month, I stopped mourning and started to accept this new plan. Kaylee went from the 3rd percentile in weight at three months to the 9th percentile for weight at four months. She is growing and learning and happy and so so beautiful. Even though I know all the facts about breast milk and nursing, I am damn proud to say that my daughter is formula fed and thriving. I had to make a choice about what was best for my child and my family and this time, it happened to be formula.

I talk with a lot of moms of infants and read a lot of articles about what moms are doing with their children. Let me tell you something...there are some pretty damn self-righteous ladies out there. I have read time and time again about how breast milk is the only good choice for babies and formula is detrimental and considered the easy way out. I have read that mothers who think they can't breastfeed only reach that conclusion because they're uninformed and ill-supported. I have read that mothers who drink and smoke yet breastfeed are making better choices than a clean, sober mom who uses formula.

So here I am. In just over four months I have made the journey from someone to planned to exclusively breastfeed to someone who is fighting to be respected for formula feeding. I guess, all in all, my message is that mothers who are able to exclusively breastfeed do not have the market on doing what is best for their children.