...than to ever think that I'm alone. I felt good after writing my previous post. I got a lot off my mind and felt better having put so many emotions into words. Something interesting happens, though, when you put yourself out there. You find out that you are not the first or only person that has felt and thought exactly the same way. You find out that support is all around you and that things are never quite as bad as they seem.
Don't get me wrong, I have talked to Mike about all this, and he is amazing. He listens not only to what I say, but to what I really mean and knows when to offer suggestions and when to just hold me. I could not imagine a more loving, supportive partner. Even though he is going above and beyond as a husband and father, he is not a woman or a mother and can not completely understand what I'm going through.
Yesterday I went to a breastfeeding support group sponsored by our hospital. First of all, let me say that I found out that Kaylee can get 1.5 oz from nursing. This is amazing compared to the .5 oz she got when we met with our lactation consultant. I was so so excited. Anyway...I ran into a former coworker at the group and started talking with her. She has a 2 year-old and a 4 month-old. She was very interested in what brought me to the group and listened as I explained what we've been through over the past two weeks. I was amazed to hear that she had been through a very similar experience with her older daughter and has lived to tell the tale. She was encouraging and offered a few suggestions, as well as her contact information in case I wanted to talk sometime. Needless to say, this was great for me, and Kaylee and I will be returning to the group in the weeks to come.
Today I logged on to facebook and found more support from an unlikely source. A girl that I grew up with had been following this blog and sent me a message regarding my last post. She has two children and is a veteran of the breastfeeding war as well. Again, I was offered lots of encouragement and a few wonderful suggestions.
I'm slowly coming to realize that there is an unspoken bond between mothers. It's almost as if, by having my child, I earned a lifetime membership to a club that I didn't even know existed. I am so grateful for every kind word and harrowing story. I guess I feel, now more than ever, that I'm on the right path and that Kaylee and I will come out on the other side healthy and a little bit wiser.
10 November 2009
08 November 2009
Wherein You Learn Way Too Much About My Boobs
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. A big part of that dream has been nursing my child...being the person solely responsible for providing my child with what she needs. Things don't ever happen like you expect them to, though, do they?
You always hear people say that breast feeding is hard and can be painful, but it's worth it and you just have to commit. I always thought that only applied to other people. I thought it would come as second nature to me. I envisioned my child automatically knowing what to do and us having this amazing bonding experience. Wishful thinking, I guess.
Because of Kaylee's jaundice, she was really sleepy in the beginning and didn't have the strength to nurse properly. I also think, though I may be wrong, that the fact that we didn't get to try to nurse until she was nearly twelve hours old has been a roadblock as well. While we were in the hospital, we tried everything that was suggested, but nothing really worked. She was staying on my breast and she wasn't sucking hard enough to get what she needed. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I finally gave in to giving her formula.
Everyone has said that once she gets over the jaundice, once my milk comes in, it will get easier. It's not. My milk is in and she's much more alert than she's ever been, but feeding still sucks and we're still using formula. For some reason, even though she's trying to nurse and I'm pumping every three hours, my supply sucks. Besides that, it's a total double-edged sword. If Kaylee has a really good time nursing, the pump immediately afterwords will suck. If I get a good pump, I know in my heart that my daughter didn't get what she needed while she was nursing.
Supposedly, I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing everything right, it just takes time, blah blah blah. This doesn't stop me from feeling like something's wrong...like I'm not able to do the most natural thing imaginable. I'm tired, my nipples hurt, and I hate pumping. Almost everything in me wants to give in. Almost.
I'm not quitting. Even though Kaylee may not be getting much, I love watching her try to nurse. I am obsessed with the moments that she looks up at me from my breast. If I know anything about myself, it's that I'm stubborn...always have been. I refuse to give up working for what I want and what I know is best for my daughter. For now, though, we just have to keep plugging away and be happy that Kaylee is growing and healthy, by whatever means necessary.
You always hear people say that breast feeding is hard and can be painful, but it's worth it and you just have to commit. I always thought that only applied to other people. I thought it would come as second nature to me. I envisioned my child automatically knowing what to do and us having this amazing bonding experience. Wishful thinking, I guess.
Because of Kaylee's jaundice, she was really sleepy in the beginning and didn't have the strength to nurse properly. I also think, though I may be wrong, that the fact that we didn't get to try to nurse until she was nearly twelve hours old has been a roadblock as well. While we were in the hospital, we tried everything that was suggested, but nothing really worked. She was staying on my breast and she wasn't sucking hard enough to get what she needed. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I finally gave in to giving her formula.
Everyone has said that once she gets over the jaundice, once my milk comes in, it will get easier. It's not. My milk is in and she's much more alert than she's ever been, but feeding still sucks and we're still using formula. For some reason, even though she's trying to nurse and I'm pumping every three hours, my supply sucks. Besides that, it's a total double-edged sword. If Kaylee has a really good time nursing, the pump immediately afterwords will suck. If I get a good pump, I know in my heart that my daughter didn't get what she needed while she was nursing.
Supposedly, I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing everything right, it just takes time, blah blah blah. This doesn't stop me from feeling like something's wrong...like I'm not able to do the most natural thing imaginable. I'm tired, my nipples hurt, and I hate pumping. Almost everything in me wants to give in. Almost.
I'm not quitting. Even though Kaylee may not be getting much, I love watching her try to nurse. I am obsessed with the moments that she looks up at me from my breast. If I know anything about myself, it's that I'm stubborn...always have been. I refuse to give up working for what I want and what I know is best for my daughter. For now, though, we just have to keep plugging away and be happy that Kaylee is growing and healthy, by whatever means necessary.
03 November 2009
Picture Overload
I finally feel like we are getting things a little under control around here. I'm still not sure how to start writing about this new little person I have here, but I'll get there, I'm sure. Since I do, however feel like I've been neglecting the blog, here are some pictures. These span the time from her inauspicious beginning (even though they scare the crap out of me) to today. Enjoy!
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