A Letter To My Girl

Dear Kaylee ~

As I write this, you're on your forth day of child care after five months of staying home with me. It's been a hard week...for both of us.

If I could pluck a star out of the sky and use whatever magic it holds, my dearest wish would be to be where you are. I miss being with you, watching you learn and discover new things. I miss going to play group and story time, watching you interact with other kids. I miss how you run to me for an after-nap hug, not wanting to spend another moment apart.

The worst part of my day is walking away as you cry and scramble to get to me. I feel like I'm abandoning you, and for that, I will always be sorry. I have to tell myself that this is part of life and that I have to do the very best for you. Right now, that means working while you are in child care.

I know that things will slowly get better and that our new schedule will become easier. For now, though, we'll just have to look forward to the weekends. For two days we will stay together and enjoy each other, bracing for another week ahead.

I love you. We will both get through this.

Momma

Words

Yesterday I talked with our childcare provider and compiled a list of words that Kaylee either says or signs. I was glad that we did, too, because Kaylee got a 12-month ASQ screening when our Parents As Teacher's educator came last night.

Kaylee's spoken words: momma, hey/hi, book, baby, bug, ball, cow, moo, boo, dog, block (she learned this one last night, as we were going through the ASQ)

Kaylee's signed words: milk, more, hat, dog, baby, signing, bye-bye (she waves, anyway...)

I think this is pretty dang good for a 1 year old. :) We're working on blowing kisses, please and thank you, and cat. Those are my priorities, anyway...I'm sure Kaylee will bust out with whatever words interest her.

She Laughs...

...at childcare. Not at home. Grrr.

Our provider casually mentioned this to me yesterday, showing me a toy that Kaylee likes. She didn't realize that we have yet to hear this minor phenomenon. When I told her we hadn't, she jokingly said, "Oh never mind, she never laughs here either."

I actually surprised myself, though. I wasn't as crushed to hear this news as I thought I would be. I'm sad, yes, and I want to figure out what we can do to get her laughing at home, but I'm okay.

I'll give her a week to laugh for me...then I'll be crushed.

Realizations

I'm not sure why it took a while for this to set in, but the other day I realized the ramifications of having a baby in childcare. Our provider will be the one to teach Kaylee a lot of new things. She will likely be the first one to see her crawl, walk, talk, und so weiter...

I have no doubt that Kaylee knows who I am. The look on her face when she sees me or hears my voice tells me this. I just feel a little sad at the things I'm giving up by being a working mom. I know I'm making the right choice. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM...my maternity leave taught me that. I just wish there was a way to work outside of the home without feeling like you're missing out on your child's life. I mean, right now, five days a week I wake her up, change her clothes, ship her off to childcare, pick her up, feed her and put her to bed. There are snippets of playing and "talking" in there, but it just doesn't feel like quite enough.

Anyway...forgive my ramblings. I'm just still trying to work through all this mom stuff. It takes some time...

Holy Cow I Need to Post More Often!!!

Kaylee is now in week 2 of childcare. We love our provider and I'm happy to say that she understands how a mommy's brain works. She texted me midway through Kaylee's first day to tell me that things were going well and yesterday she sent me a picture of Kaylee on my phone. I love it.

Kaylee cried upon being dropped off for the first three days. This surprised me. I guess I thought that three months was too young for a baby to show a real preference for her parents. I would have thought that as long as her needs were being met, she would be fine. Kaylee never ceases to amaze me. By Thursday, she seemed to settle in and didn't cry as much when Mike left her. I kept her with me on Friday, but it didn't seem to mess her up as she was a dream for our provider yesterday. My highlight of childcare so far was Thursday when I picked Kaylee up. She was about to get fed and had her face all scrunched up, crying. As soon as she heard my voice...and I mean the second I spoke...her little eyes flew open and the crying stopped. She knew her momma was there!!! Hurrah!!! Mommy FTW!!!

I gotta say it...while I miss seeing my little girl whenever I want to, I'm getting so much more accomplished at work! Much to my chagrin, I'm just not cut out to be a stay-at-home or work-at-home mom.