For Kaylee

It has been far too long since I last wrote to you, my little love. So much for my goal of writing a love letter every year on your birthday. For that, I apologize.

I'm writing to you now because I've been thinking about the ways in which your life is going to change in the next couple months. Very soon, you will go from being an adored only child to being a much-loved big sister. You are so excited to meet your baby sister, but as much as we talk about it, I don't think you realize what that means. As much as I hate to admit it, it means that your wants and needs will no longer always be my first priority. There may be times when I have to ask you to play alone or play more quietly while I attend to the baby. There may be times when you desperately need my love and attention, but my focus will be split.

Please know that my love for you is endless. You will always be special to me in a way that is only yours. You made me a mommy. You took my life before children, turned it upside down, and opened my eyes to a love that I never could have comprehended before there was you.

I love you to the end of the Earth with all that I am.

Your Momma

I Will

Kaylee, my love ~

You (and your daddy) gave me such a lovely Mother's Day yesterday. We spent a lot of the day out in the sun, playing and enjoying the spring weather that we've been anxiously waiting for. We have a wonderful dinner with our family. Even though it was such a great day, I will remember nothing more fondly than the first few moments, snuggled together in my bed.

You woke up to "I Will" playing on your iPod and ran in to tell me about it. Since I, sadly, missed hearing it with you, you snuggled in and we sang it together. Once our rendition was complete, I told you the story of how that song became so important to us.

When I was pregnant with you, your daddy and I decided that we wanted to choose a song that would be yours. It would be the song to sing you to sleep, the song to sing you calm, and the song to sing you our love. We chose "I Will". It was the perfect song. About an endless love; quiet, simple and soothing. The line that absolutely sold me? "And when at last I find you / Your song will fill the air" It seemed like such a lovely way to describe how I would feel when you were born and we would hear your first cry. Your song would fill the air (even though it didn't at first).

Once it was decided, we would dance in our bedroom, my huge belly between us, and sing your song. I would listen to it before I went to bed and rub my belly, sending you all of my love. Once you were born, we played it for you in the hospital. All through your babyhood, we would sing it to you to help calm you down, and it worked. Amazingly, you seemed to recognize your song so early on. I was blown away. "I Will" stayed in the mix of the songs we would play as you slept at night, and I still sing it to you every night when I put you to sleep. I will never in my life hear that song again and not think of you, my love.

When I finished telling the story, you looked at me with such joy and love in your eyes. I could tell that hearing all of that had made you feel so special and so very loved. For a brief moment, it seemed like you were able to fully comprehend the depth of my love for you. You kissed me, snuggled in closer, and said, "I didn't remember that when I was a baby." I assured you that I would never forget and that I would be happy to tell you the story whenever you needed to hear it.

It was an amazing interaction and set the tone for a lovely day. I'm so glad for this memory.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart

All my love always,
Your Momma

Three

My dear darling Kaylee ~

Today you are three and I just cannot believe how time has swept us away and you have grown so much. I can't help but think of the first moment I held you, complete with IV and a million monitors. You were so small and even a little pathetic, but my love for you was so big and beautiful, it didn't matter.

No longer are you too small and dependent on your dad and me. You are such a big girl and such a spit fire!!! Nothing gets past you and you love nothing better than telling me that you'll do it (whatever "it" happens to be) yourself. You are bold and beautiful and never fail to make people smile. You are so joyful!

I hope you always know that I am so very proud of you. I love every minute that I get to spend with you, watching you grow, learn and change before my eyes. I hope that you continue to enjoy everything around and that life brings you all you could hope for. You deserve the very best of everything, my love.

Happy Birthday.

Your Momma

Countdown Day 14

I love watching Kaylee's relationship with Mike. She seems so free, outgoing and open to being silly with him. I wouldn't say that she's never that way with me, but her bond with her daddy is just something special.

I know that she looks forward to nights when Mike puts her to bed because of the unique routines that he's established, and she loves waking him up in the mornings with a tickle or a kiss.

Kaylee is lucky to have such an amazing daddy in Mike.

Countdown Day 13

I know that I already mentioned some of the funny things that Kaylee says, but there are a few more that beg to be documented for all time.

While sitting on the toilet, "Can you give me a privacy?"

When she wants something from us, "Can you give me a favor?"

I just love how her structure is just barely off, but she loves using these two big-girl concepts. I think I may cry on the day that she straightens it all out.

Countdown Days 8-12

We just came off a particularly hectic weekend, but our weekends are pretty much all looking that way until we get out of October. So I get to start my Monday with five more reasons that my daughter is the greatest little almost-3-year-old there is.

8 ~ Kaylee always says the funniest things. This weekend she spent several hours outside watching her cousins play soccer and football, and she informed anyone that would listen that her eyes were cold. The rest of her was warm and toasty, but her eyes were cold.

9 ~ I love the way Kaylee tells jokes. Right now her favorites are knock-knock jokes, and she has two or three that she can tell correctly. She just gets so tickled with herself!!!

10 ~ I adore watching Kaylee's relationships develop with her cousins. We are lucky to be in the same city and get to see them often. Every time she knows that she's going to see her "boy cousins" she gets so excited and giggly. They all get along so well and love each other so much.

11 ~ I have so much fun watching Kaylee play with her babies. Yesterday I sat back and watched her play for 25 minutes, repeatedly taking off and putting on a diaper on one doll. Each time, she would exclaim her disgust, whip the diaper off, wipe the baby's bottom, give her a little snuggle and a kiss and replace the diaper. I should have counted how many times she did it.

12 ~ I love how quick and bright Kaylee is. This weekend, she switched the words from "Mary had a little lamb" to "Mary has a dog named Clover," referring to one of my good friends. I was just so thrilled with her ability to take a song that she's heard a million times and make up her own lyrics.

Countdown Day 7

I love the way that Kaylee "reads" me. She always seems to know when I'm not feeling great, when I'm super happy about something or even when I'm about to lose my patience with her for some reason. She has a knack for knowing the perfect moment for an "I really love you, mom," and a hug or kiss.

Countdown Days 3-6

Why am I not surprised that I'm already playing catch-up. To be fair, the last three days have been especially hectic, but that's no excuse...

3 ~ I love the way Kaylee is so verbal and so articulate. She's almost always talking...to herself, to us, to the animals or her toys. And she always has a millions questions. She's curious about everything.

4 ~ I love the way Kaylee greets Mike and I when we've had an absence from her. She is so enthusiastic and loving! She makes me realize how much we are the center of her world.

5 ~ I adoring singing with Kaylee. She has really been interested in music lately and has several songs that she enjoys singing. It always makes me giggle when she requests a certain song, asks for a song to be repeated or "turned loud".

6 ~ Kaylee's also quite the little dancer. She loves to dance and twirl and shake her booty with no inhibitions. That's the way it should always be. I love this side of her and hope every day that she doesn't loose that spirit and confidence as she grows older.

Countdown Day 2

I adore the way that Kaylee gets so excited about feeding our pets. This has been her chore for a couple months now, and she is so proud of herself. I especially loves the way she talks to the animals sometimes...especially Kitty. When he's mewing first thing in the morning, she says, "I know, I know Kitty. I'll feed you in just a minute." I do believe I've heard those words come out of my mouth before.

Counting Down

Today we started the big countdown. Kaylee colored in a small circle indicating that she was one day closer to turning three years old. It hardly seems right to think that three years ago I was hugely pregnant and waiting expectantly for the most life-altering thing to ever happen to me.

I'm going to try very hard to keep up with Kaylee's countdown and do one of my own...30 reasons why my small daughter is the most amazing creature I know.

I love the way Kaylee is sometimes hard to wake up. On these days, I'll try to tickle her awake, and she begins smiling before she even opens her eyes. What could be better than waking up with a smile and a giggle?

A Mother's Memory

Tonight I had a moment of panic. I couldn't remember the words that my nearly-3-year-old daughter used to say "funny". I could have sworn that they were written down somewhere...recorded for us to look back and laugh in years to come...

But I couldn't find them. I am so lucky that grandmas have good memories. Kaylee's mama, my momma, helped me remember that Kaylee used to say "cumpepper" for cucumber, "pokey-roni" for peperoni and "Cookie Burial" for Cracker Barrel. Thank goodness that these memories are not lost.

It's funny how you think that there are moments of your child's life that you'll never forget, but time is a clever thief. It creeps by and, before you know it, your child is doing new things and there is so much that is part of the past. How can a mom slow time down? How can you sufficiently record the little things, guarantee that you'll remember years from now?

A Letter To My Girl

Dear Kaylee ~

As I write this, you're on your forth day of child care after five months of staying home with me. It's been a hard week...for both of us.

If I could pluck a star out of the sky and use whatever magic it holds, my dearest wish would be to be where you are. I miss being with you, watching you learn and discover new things. I miss going to play group and story time, watching you interact with other kids. I miss how you run to me for an after-nap hug, not wanting to spend another moment apart.

The worst part of my day is walking away as you cry and scramble to get to me. I feel like I'm abandoning you, and for that, I will always be sorry. I have to tell myself that this is part of life and that I have to do the very best for you. Right now, that means working while you are in child care.

I know that things will slowly get better and that our new schedule will become easier. For now, though, we'll just have to look forward to the weekends. For two days we will stay together and enjoy each other, bracing for another week ahead.

I love you. We will both get through this.

Momma

No Longer Stinted

This morning Kaylee got the stint removed from her left tear duct. The process was quick and painless for all involved. Kaylee barely grunted a little complain, and I think that was because we were holding her down. Hopefully, this will be the end of the eye troubles.

As we were leaving, the doctor told Kaylee that she got to choose a toy from the treasure chest because she was so brave. She picked a small plastic lion and said, "Kaylee Beth brave, lion brave too!" I freaking love my girl!

Two Years Old

My lovely little girl ~

We celebrated your birthday just two days ago and I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that you are two. Every time I catch myself calling you Baby, Babyface or some other variation on the same I think that I need to stop. You are not a baby any longer. With all your independence and your knowledge and your spirit, you are becoming a little girl. A little girl who has her own ideas and questions about her world. A little girl who clings to her mommy a little bit less each passing day. I am moved by the absolute joy that you exude and feel so very grateful to be a witness to your unfolding life. Simply put, you amaze me. Every day.

I love you with everything I have.

Your Mommy