...than to ever think that I'm alone. I felt good after writing my previous post. I got a lot off my mind and felt better having put so many emotions into words. Something interesting happens, though, when you put yourself out there. You find out that you are not the first or only person that has felt and thought exactly the same way. You find out that support is all around you and that things are never quite as bad as they seem.
Don't get me wrong, I have talked to Mike about all this, and he is amazing. He listens not only to what I say, but to what I really mean and knows when to offer suggestions and when to just hold me. I could not imagine a more loving, supportive partner. Even though he is going above and beyond as a husband and father, he is not a woman or a mother and can not completely understand what I'm going through.
Yesterday I went to a breastfeeding support group sponsored by our hospital. First of all, let me say that I found out that Kaylee can get 1.5 oz from nursing. This is amazing compared to the .5 oz she got when we met with our lactation consultant. I was so so excited. Anyway...I ran into a former coworker at the group and started talking with her. She has a 2 year-old and a 4 month-old. She was very interested in what brought me to the group and listened as I explained what we've been through over the past two weeks. I was amazed to hear that she had been through a very similar experience with her older daughter and has lived to tell the tale. She was encouraging and offered a few suggestions, as well as her contact information in case I wanted to talk sometime. Needless to say, this was great for me, and Kaylee and I will be returning to the group in the weeks to come.
Today I logged on to facebook and found more support from an unlikely source. A girl that I grew up with had been following this blog and sent me a message regarding my last post. She has two children and is a veteran of the breastfeeding war as well. Again, I was offered lots of encouragement and a few wonderful suggestions.
I'm slowly coming to realize that there is an unspoken bond between mothers. It's almost as if, by having my child, I earned a lifetime membership to a club that I didn't even know existed. I am so grateful for every kind word and harrowing story. I guess I feel, now more than ever, that I'm on the right path and that Kaylee and I will come out on the other side healthy and a little bit wiser.
10 November 2009
08 November 2009
Wherein You Learn Way Too Much About My Boobs
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. A big part of that dream has been nursing my child...being the person solely responsible for providing my child with what she needs. Things don't ever happen like you expect them to, though, do they?
You always hear people say that breast feeding is hard and can be painful, but it's worth it and you just have to commit. I always thought that only applied to other people. I thought it would come as second nature to me. I envisioned my child automatically knowing what to do and us having this amazing bonding experience. Wishful thinking, I guess.
Because of Kaylee's jaundice, she was really sleepy in the beginning and didn't have the strength to nurse properly. I also think, though I may be wrong, that the fact that we didn't get to try to nurse until she was nearly twelve hours old has been a roadblock as well. While we were in the hospital, we tried everything that was suggested, but nothing really worked. She was staying on my breast and she wasn't sucking hard enough to get what she needed. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I finally gave in to giving her formula.
Everyone has said that once she gets over the jaundice, once my milk comes in, it will get easier. It's not. My milk is in and she's much more alert than she's ever been, but feeding still sucks and we're still using formula. For some reason, even though she's trying to nurse and I'm pumping every three hours, my supply sucks. Besides that, it's a total double-edged sword. If Kaylee has a really good time nursing, the pump immediately afterwords will suck. If I get a good pump, I know in my heart that my daughter didn't get what she needed while she was nursing.
Supposedly, I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing everything right, it just takes time, blah blah blah. This doesn't stop me from feeling like something's wrong...like I'm not able to do the most natural thing imaginable. I'm tired, my nipples hurt, and I hate pumping. Almost everything in me wants to give in. Almost.
I'm not quitting. Even though Kaylee may not be getting much, I love watching her try to nurse. I am obsessed with the moments that she looks up at me from my breast. If I know anything about myself, it's that I'm stubborn...always have been. I refuse to give up working for what I want and what I know is best for my daughter. For now, though, we just have to keep plugging away and be happy that Kaylee is growing and healthy, by whatever means necessary.
You always hear people say that breast feeding is hard and can be painful, but it's worth it and you just have to commit. I always thought that only applied to other people. I thought it would come as second nature to me. I envisioned my child automatically knowing what to do and us having this amazing bonding experience. Wishful thinking, I guess.
Because of Kaylee's jaundice, she was really sleepy in the beginning and didn't have the strength to nurse properly. I also think, though I may be wrong, that the fact that we didn't get to try to nurse until she was nearly twelve hours old has been a roadblock as well. While we were in the hospital, we tried everything that was suggested, but nothing really worked. She was staying on my breast and she wasn't sucking hard enough to get what she needed. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I finally gave in to giving her formula.
Everyone has said that once she gets over the jaundice, once my milk comes in, it will get easier. It's not. My milk is in and she's much more alert than she's ever been, but feeding still sucks and we're still using formula. For some reason, even though she's trying to nurse and I'm pumping every three hours, my supply sucks. Besides that, it's a total double-edged sword. If Kaylee has a really good time nursing, the pump immediately afterwords will suck. If I get a good pump, I know in my heart that my daughter didn't get what she needed while she was nursing.
Supposedly, I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing everything right, it just takes time, blah blah blah. This doesn't stop me from feeling like something's wrong...like I'm not able to do the most natural thing imaginable. I'm tired, my nipples hurt, and I hate pumping. Almost everything in me wants to give in. Almost.
I'm not quitting. Even though Kaylee may not be getting much, I love watching her try to nurse. I am obsessed with the moments that she looks up at me from my breast. If I know anything about myself, it's that I'm stubborn...always have been. I refuse to give up working for what I want and what I know is best for my daughter. For now, though, we just have to keep plugging away and be happy that Kaylee is growing and healthy, by whatever means necessary.
03 November 2009
Picture Overload
I finally feel like we are getting things a little under control around here. I'm still not sure how to start writing about this new little person I have here, but I'll get there, I'm sure. Since I do, however feel like I've been neglecting the blog, here are some pictures. These span the time from her inauspicious beginning (even though they scare the crap out of me) to today. Enjoy!
30 October 2009
The Rest of the Story
"My Labor Story" is my own hazy version of what happened during my almost 30-hour labor. I know that some of the details are a little skewed, but after going through something like that, details don't seem to matter much. As I read what I've written, though, there is a major piece missing...my coach...my biggest supporter...my forever love...my husband.
To say that Mike was my labor coach would be a gross understatement. I don't think that I could have survived anything that I've experienced in the last week without him. Mike was calm when I was frightened, empowering when I was doubtful, and above all, so so loving and supportive. When I think of my labor now, I don't really remember the pain, I don't remember the faces of the nurses that were with us, I barely even remembered that the bruise on my left wrist is from my iv. What I do remember is Mike's voice. I hear him telling me that I'm strong, that I'm amazing, that I can do what I set out to do, that he loves me. I have never in my life felt so connected to one person as I do to my husband.
I want Mike to know that I love him and am so appreciative of every little thing he does for me and for our daughter. Every kiss, kind word, and smile are forever imprinted in my memory. I so look forward to our life together, and I can't wait to see him grow as a father. Kaylee is a lucky girl to have such a dedicated daddy, and I am so pleased with our new little family.
(I also want Mike to know that I sat here in our bedroom and cried as I wrote this. I don't think he'll be surprised.)
To say that Mike was my labor coach would be a gross understatement. I don't think that I could have survived anything that I've experienced in the last week without him. Mike was calm when I was frightened, empowering when I was doubtful, and above all, so so loving and supportive. When I think of my labor now, I don't really remember the pain, I don't remember the faces of the nurses that were with us, I barely even remembered that the bruise on my left wrist is from my iv. What I do remember is Mike's voice. I hear him telling me that I'm strong, that I'm amazing, that I can do what I set out to do, that he loves me. I have never in my life felt so connected to one person as I do to my husband.
I want Mike to know that I love him and am so appreciative of every little thing he does for me and for our daughter. Every kiss, kind word, and smile are forever imprinted in my memory. I so look forward to our life together, and I can't wait to see him grow as a father. Kaylee is a lucky girl to have such a dedicated daddy, and I am so pleased with our new little family.
(I also want Mike to know that I sat here in our bedroom and cried as I wrote this. I don't think he'll be surprised.)
My Labor Story
I guess it started around 7:30 Saturday evening when I discovered part of my mucus plug when I went to the bathroom. I was excited, but not really expecting anything. I was in bed later that night when my water broke at approximately 10:45. I have to say that it was one of the strangest feelings ever, and if it's really that rare for your water breaking to be a huge gush, call me rare. It was everywhere in an instant!!! We called my doctor's office and got a little confused when the line didn't role over to the on-call person, but called labor & delivery and headed on in.
They confirmed that I had, indeed, ruptured, as if there was any question. I hadn't really begun contracting and was still only 25% effaced and 1 cm dilated, so they gave me two hours for things to kick in on their own. At 4 am on Sunday, I still hadn't progressed, so they started the pitocin, something I hadn't wanted, but knew that I needed. The started me on too high a dose to begin with and we started seeing some decelerations in Kaylee's heart rate, so they stopped the pit, flushed my system, and started it again, more slowly.
Things started out pretty easy. Mike and I walked, chatted with family, responded to texts and sat on the birthing ball a lot. I would later abandon the ball when I got really nauseous. There is a lot in there that I don't remember, but by late Sunday evening, I was fully effaced and dilated to 9 with just a small lip left on the front of my cervix. Despite the ridiculous, pit-induced contractions, that lip wouldn't go away, so they began having me try to push while a nurse held it out of the way to see if that would help. All it did was make me want to push with every contraction, so when they told me to go back to "breathing through" the contractions, I was in excruciating pain trying to not push. I think it was at this point that I relented and finally accepted a dose of stadol. I was really wanting an unmedicated labor, but it was just too intense. At one point, I even remember thinking that I would be better off if they'd just take Kaylee via c-section, but I'm happy to say that didn't happen.
At 2:38 am on Monday, October 26, after about an hour of good solid pushing, Kaylee Beth Drews was born. Here is when another of my ideals went out the window...I didn't get her put directly on my stomach because she was rushed over to the warmer and surrounded by about five nurses. I could barely even see what was going on. Kaylee's one-minute apgar score was a 2, five-minute was a 4, ten-minute was a 7, and she eventually got a 9, but I don't know how long that took. Next thing I knew, Mike was following Kaylee's entourage to the nursery while my doctor tried to get my placenta out. I pushed part of it out, but when she said that part was still attached and that she'd have to reach in and help separate it from my uterus, I accepted a second dose of stadol.
When I eventually got to see Kaylee, she was in the nursery covered in all kinds of monitors and under an oxygen hood. I then watched as they placed an iv in the back of her hand. She looked so pathetic, but she was alive. I finally got to hold my daughter at 9:00 Monday morning, nearly seven hours after her birth. The days since have been an exercise in frustration, dealing with jaundice, anemia, and troubles with feeding, but we are finally home, and Kaylee is asleep in her crib in the next room. It was a long, frightening couple of days, but I am one happy momma.
They confirmed that I had, indeed, ruptured, as if there was any question. I hadn't really begun contracting and was still only 25% effaced and 1 cm dilated, so they gave me two hours for things to kick in on their own. At 4 am on Sunday, I still hadn't progressed, so they started the pitocin, something I hadn't wanted, but knew that I needed. The started me on too high a dose to begin with and we started seeing some decelerations in Kaylee's heart rate, so they stopped the pit, flushed my system, and started it again, more slowly.
Things started out pretty easy. Mike and I walked, chatted with family, responded to texts and sat on the birthing ball a lot. I would later abandon the ball when I got really nauseous. There is a lot in there that I don't remember, but by late Sunday evening, I was fully effaced and dilated to 9 with just a small lip left on the front of my cervix. Despite the ridiculous, pit-induced contractions, that lip wouldn't go away, so they began having me try to push while a nurse held it out of the way to see if that would help. All it did was make me want to push with every contraction, so when they told me to go back to "breathing through" the contractions, I was in excruciating pain trying to not push. I think it was at this point that I relented and finally accepted a dose of stadol. I was really wanting an unmedicated labor, but it was just too intense. At one point, I even remember thinking that I would be better off if they'd just take Kaylee via c-section, but I'm happy to say that didn't happen.
At 2:38 am on Monday, October 26, after about an hour of good solid pushing, Kaylee Beth Drews was born. Here is when another of my ideals went out the window...I didn't get her put directly on my stomach because she was rushed over to the warmer and surrounded by about five nurses. I could barely even see what was going on. Kaylee's one-minute apgar score was a 2, five-minute was a 4, ten-minute was a 7, and she eventually got a 9, but I don't know how long that took. Next thing I knew, Mike was following Kaylee's entourage to the nursery while my doctor tried to get my placenta out. I pushed part of it out, but when she said that part was still attached and that she'd have to reach in and help separate it from my uterus, I accepted a second dose of stadol.
When I eventually got to see Kaylee, she was in the nursery covered in all kinds of monitors and under an oxygen hood. I then watched as they placed an iv in the back of her hand. She looked so pathetic, but she was alive. I finally got to hold my daughter at 9:00 Monday morning, nearly seven hours after her birth. The days since have been an exercise in frustration, dealing with jaundice, anemia, and troubles with feeding, but we are finally home, and Kaylee is asleep in her crib in the next room. It was a long, frightening couple of days, but I am one happy momma.
23 October 2009
Being "Checked"
Wow! Not comfortable. I would officially like to tell my doctor that if she needs to reach for my tonsils, it would be far more effective to go through my mouth. I think I've made my point.
Anyway, discomfort aside, I found out yesterday that I am 25% effaced and dilated to 1 cm. I realize it's not much, but it's something. It means that my body and my baby know what they are doing and everything is as it should be. I had a talk with Little Girl last night. I told her that since I have been doing my job for nine months now, I was very proud that she is doing her job as well. We are now really on the countdown to welcoming her home.
Anyway, discomfort aside, I found out yesterday that I am 25% effaced and dilated to 1 cm. I realize it's not much, but it's something. It means that my body and my baby know what they are doing and everything is as it should be. I had a talk with Little Girl last night. I told her that since I have been doing my job for nine months now, I was very proud that she is doing her job as well. We are now really on the countdown to welcoming her home.
20 October 2009
It's Still a Girl!!!
We had our 36 week sonogram this morning and got great news all around. Most importantly, the little one is healthy! She had a heart rate of 145 and is approximately 6 lbs. 5 oz. There is fluid in both her bladder and her stomach, so we know that her kidneys are working and she's been swallowing and all that. The amniotic fluid levels were right where they should be. We finally got the profile picture that we've been hoping for, and got to see her moving her head and working her mouth a bit. Fun stuff.
In case you haven't notice all the italics, I'm very happy to say that we got some confirmation that we are still expect a little girl. We have no problem with boys at all, but we have an awful lot of pink and lavender stuff at our apartment right now. :)
Little Girl's beautiful profile
Me last night at 36 weeks
In case you haven't notice all the italics, I'm very happy to say that we got some confirmation that we are still expect a little girl. We have no problem with boys at all, but we have an awful lot of pink and lavender stuff at our apartment right now. :)
Little Girl's beautiful profile
Me last night at 36 weeks
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